An Entry from a Diary of an Ex-Convict

Disclaimer: I wrote this 'entry' this morning at around 1AM, in between unkempt feelings, tears and swollen eyes. I'm feeling better now, probably because I've written off my feelings in this 'entry'. As I was reading this, I thought it's so blog-worthy, I should share this to you guys. So enjoy!


25 November


I'm sitting at a park bench, with a pen and a notebook in hand. Just like any other day, I'm all by myself. But then I'm used to it - after all, I've been living alone since I got free.

And just like any other day, people still stare at me whenever I pass the street. I could see some of them whisper at each other while looking into my eyes. I can't hear what they are saying, but I know it's me that I'm talking about.

There really is that social stigma attached to us - those few people who were once forfeited of their liberty for a conduct that is prohibited by human law. And that stigma always goes with you, even after your liberty is restored. But then I am only free physically. Everything else is enclosed in a cage.

When I first step foot outside, I'm filled with hope that I could start a new life, without caring much about my past. But later on, I found out that it is easier said than done. Because of the stigma attached to me, people shunned me, and try their best to stay away from me. And the thing is, I haven't done anything to them just yet. I volunteered to help them in any way that I can, just to prove my best intentions. But they just ignored me, it's like saying to me, 'I'd rather do this by myself than to have this done by someone like you.' And because people stay away from me, I practically don't have any friends.

So basically, I'm alone, lonely and with no company. These were the time that I would have sleepless nights just staring at the ceiling while I lay in my bed, thinking of my colleagues whom I have left behind. Then the words that they told me before I left keep playing in my mind:

'Try your best to forget about us. Start a new life, make new friends, get a girl, get married, have kids - do anything. Just don't do anything that will make you go back here.'

But why is it so hard to forget you guys, and that place? Why is it so hard to start a new life? Is it because I feel like I don't belong in my new world, and I will never belong here? Is it because I miss you and our bittersweet days? Is it because the people around me are not used to being close to a person like me?

Is it because no matter what I do, no matter what I gain in the future, I could never escape my past - the fact that I was once an ex-convict?

Yes, I may be free, physically. But I could never be free from my past, free from people's discrimination, free from uncertainty in my future, free from all the things associated to my imprisonment.

Oh, well. I don't care about that now. Anyway, I don't trust them, the people around me. They can't even get close to me and make an effort to know them better, so why should I trust them? I can manage to live by myself. I can manage to build my own destiny, now that I'm outside the bars.

I hope I really could...

Because without anyone trusting me, what else is left of me?